Lost

I just came across this old post in my 'draft' folder....

Lost....no not everyone's favorite TV show....me.

I don't know when it happened.  We celebrated our 11th anniversary earlier this month and I couldn't help wondering "How did I get here?"  Eleven years into a marriage.  Seven years into motherhood. 

At one point, I loved the spotlight.  Loved people.  Loved Life.  Loved giving.  Then, somewhere along the line, I wanted everyone to stop looking at me especially, as I was finding my way as a mom.  A role, I never knew I'd want, but a role that I fell in love with soon after my daughter was born. A role that I will always take seriously and completely dedicate myself to.  But, in those early years of mothering, I had to recreate myself.  Not the ambitious, career woman but the unsure woman making new friends in new circles with other woman who I may have had never exchanged a word with or even liked if we hadn't had children the same age. 

I think I spent so much time wanting to be invisible...one day it happened.  I couldn't see myself any more. 

I thought it would be easier once the kids got older but it's not, it's actually harder.  Those new friendships are taxed like the "pre-children" friendships.  Free time filled with soccer practice and household routine instead of a carefree phone conversation or lunch with a friend. 

Wishing My Life Away

My eyes snap open and the panic hits - it's December - only a few weeks until Christmas.  The "To Do" list begins to swirl in my head like one of the scenes from an old movie - where the Telegraph machine hammers away a message.
Every year, my mind works the same way.  I optimistically ponder:

• What would make for a special Christmas Season?

It quickly disintegrates into:

• What Needs to Be Done?
• What HAS to be done?
• What's the least I can do without anyone noticing?

The Dream verses Reality: 

Dream:  I picture my kids and I in the kitchen, dressed our aprons, baking Christmas cookies.

Reality: Then I snap into reality - me asking the kids if they want to bake cookies this year and them responding 'no, I'm good'.

Dream: Just last week, my parents visited in the days leading up to Thanksgiving.  I thought ahead and bought Gingerbread houses.  (I also dug one out of the basement - the one we were too busy to assemble last year).  We sat around the table putting them together.

Reality: It was magical - for a while - until my Tween declared she 'hated gingerbread houses' and that 'you people are driving me crazy'.

Dream: The family joyfully decorating together.
Reality: The houses on our block all aglow while ours sits dark - until good- old fashion- shame motivates us to decorate outside.

Dream: Gifts under the Christmas tree bringing joy to all.
Reality: The boy crying himself to sleep on Christmas night - convinced Santa hates him (since he got such bad gifts ) The Girl happy as can be until she checks Instagram and compares her gifts to everyone elses and then decides they suck! YES this happened last year!  

It's no wonder, my motto is "It's not the journey it's the destination".  Survive Christmas - CHECK.

I wish away the season in an effort to survive it.  I don't know how to change this outlook.  All I know is before I know it, I will wake up and my kids will have kids of their own and I will be displaced - alone with my 'to do' list - that is incapable of bringing me any joy.

This year, I will try to Live Intentional.