Lost

I just came across this old post in my 'draft' folder....

Lost....no not everyone's favorite TV show....me.

I don't know when it happened.  We celebrated our 11th anniversary earlier this month and I couldn't help wondering "How did I get here?"  Eleven years into a marriage.  Seven years into motherhood. 

At one point, I loved the spotlight.  Loved people.  Loved Life.  Loved giving.  Then, somewhere along the line, I wanted everyone to stop looking at me especially, as I was finding my way as a mom.  A role, I never knew I'd want, but a role that I fell in love with soon after my daughter was born. A role that I will always take seriously and completely dedicate myself to.  But, in those early years of mothering, I had to recreate myself.  Not the ambitious, career woman but the unsure woman making new friends in new circles with other woman who I may have had never exchanged a word with or even liked if we hadn't had children the same age. 

I think I spent so much time wanting to be invisible...one day it happened.  I couldn't see myself any more. 

I thought it would be easier once the kids got older but it's not, it's actually harder.  Those new friendships are taxed like the "pre-children" friendships.  Free time filled with soccer practice and household routine instead of a carefree phone conversation or lunch with a friend.